I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
I've mentioned before that I had recently been dealing with borderline suicidal thoughts. I say borderline because I am fairly confident that I would never attempt to take my own life for fear of what awaits me on the other side of that. However, I can empathize with those who have considered it or even succeeded in doing so. Suicide is a desperate effort to escape from the pain one is enduring, pain that stems from the belief that no one cares and that you are a burden to the world. Existence itself becomes unbearable and death begins to look like the only way out. I begged God for death. I recklessly prayed that he would take me Home. It was in the midst of these dark requests that He began to show me the gift of existence and just how much intention is contained within one human life. My appeal for death transformed into an appreciation for life and my thoughts began to heal.
"I'm alive! I'm alive!" Having experienced sudden and utterly surprising rapture at the gift of life, the joy of being invested with existence, the privilege of being rather than not being.
-Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning
This quote gripped my heart. My somber thinking came to a halt and I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I don't think I've ever felt so grateful. As I began to consider the joy contained within these words, God spoke to me. What I heard was that my existence was intentional. God did not need me, He wanted me. For what? I'm still figuring out the entire answer behind that question. But I believe the biggest, most important purpose was grace. He created me to display His prodigal love to me and through me. I was captivated.
I rummaged through verses upon verses to find what the Bible might have to offer me on this. Psalm 139 was the answer. This small chapter is incredibly personal. Each verse serves as an expression of God's concern for you. He knows you (v.1). Your life has purpose (v.16). You are unique and God is interested in you (v.14). When God created you, it was with heartfelt interest and respect. He didn't have to make you. But He did! He took time to make everything about you unique and marvelous. Matthew 10:30 tells us that God even knows the exact number of hairs on your head.
It is impossible to overestimate the worth of anyone. My heart breaks for those who don't know how much they are valued. I'm brought to tears at the thought of God's intentional, personal investment in each person's life. It's beautiful. There's simply too much I've been shown to share all of it. My puny words wouldn't do it justice anyway. God can wreck your heart with it though, and if you simply ask Him to, I'm more than confident He will follow through on your request.
If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, please call 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255), or visit twloha.com.